Two Footballers in Search of an Author
11 July 2006, 09:32
I am trying to write a play, but I’m having trouble with one scene. The dialogue just doesn’t ring true. Can anyone help me?
ACT 1
Scene 1
(Lights up on an empty stage. MARCO MATERAZZI is standing in the middle. He wears the blue Italian national football kit and Puma cleats. He is in his early 30s, but he could be any age. He has long, silly sideburns, big eyes, and a cartoonish look. He practices expressions of surprise and pain.)
(Enter ZINEDINE ZIDANE stage left. He wears a white French national football kit and Adidas cleats. He is a bald man in his mid-30s. He has a single eyebrow. He squints frequently. ZIDANE walks quickly past MATERAZZI, who grabs his shirt. ZIDANE stops and looks him up and down.)
ZIDANE
If you want my shirt, I’ll give it to you after.
MATERAZZI
(still holding the shirt)
No thank you.
(He lets go. ZIDANE continues walking. MATERAZZI shouts.)
Terrorist!
(ZIDANE stops. Pause. ZIDANE turns around and rams MATERAZZI with his head. The lights go out.)
I have another scene later where Materazzi says, “I am not cultured. I don’t even know what a terrorist is.” And: “You guys know the mother is sacred with me.”
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I’ve got Materazzi speaking in a language unknown to Zidane, and Zidane replying in a language unknown to Materazzi, and both conversing, for as long as the scenne goes on.
— Keith Mowlah-Baksh · 11 July 2006, 12:13 · #
Keith’s is brilliant, if you’re going for Beckett. How’s this:
ZIDANE: While you may have scored a goal today, sir, I have equaled your feat, and, what is more, I remain the more skilled player on the pitch.
MATERAZZI: Monsieur Zidane, you have besmirched my honor. Accordingly, I demand satisfaction.
ZIDANE: Very well. Shall it be head-butts at dawn?
GATTUSO (MATERAZZI’s second): I think my sir had in mind to make more of an expedited resolution to the matter.
MATERAZZI: Aye.
ZIDANE: I see. Yes. It must be so.
Do I need some type of chorus? I was thinking about using either the refs or Lippi and Domenech.
I’m also looking for an excuse to write “Enter BUFFON”.
— JTK · 11 July 2006, 14:21 · #
Enter C. Ronaldo who immediately proceeds to fall of stage apparently untouched . . .
— EJM · 11 July 2006, 16:45 · #
What about a Greek tragic chorus (possibly the Euro 2004 winners who didn’t qualify for WC ‘06) crying: “Woe! Woe! Woe!”
Hmmm.
I can’t help thinking that Zidane’s failing ears misheard Materazzi’s lame insults for something much worse. Now how farcical would that be?
I also wanted to say that I have really enjoyed your blogs.
— AC · 12 July 2006, 07:22 · #
‘What He Did Say’
by Enzo
brought to you by www.byaustinkelley.com
Cast:
Zidane-Himself
Materazzi-Himself
Pierre Luigi Colonna-Referee
Austin Kelley-Narrator
Materazzi (Stage Left, in two different languages, translated to english.): “Your mother’s eyes and legs are like Bullfights in spring (without pants). In my mouth.”
Zidane (stage right) doles out vicious head butt.
Referee emerges from the black and shows the red card.
Narrator:(not seen) “Football fans worldwide owe a debt of gratitude to Zizou for keeping this World Cup alive. The pain and suffering associated with the reality that we have to wait another four years for this, the greatest sporting event on earth, can wait another few days. So many of you have waited to hear this head butt explained in Zidanes own words. Wait no longer. As reported by the French media and confirmed by sources within the French Government and The French Football Federation, Zidane spoke these words Sunday night to his brother:
Zidane(Now in his black suit,w/ referee and Materazzi in the background): “The business about the eyes and legs and bullfights I can understand, that is your average, everyday nipple tugging, hair pulling, ankle kicking football taunt. But the bit about ‘in his mouth’...That’s just wrong, that’s not football….I went batshit.”
Referee: “He went batshit.”
Narrator: “Batshit.”
Materazzi(In Italian, repeating and fading away): “Culado…Culado…” (Translation: “Butt-Fucked one…Butt-Fucked one.”)
Zidane stalks around the stage enraged.
— Enzo · 12 July 2006, 09:12 · #
I think we’re really getting somewhwere with this play. I suugest that we tune in to this must see TV for more fodder.
— Austin · 12 July 2006, 09:21 · #